Everything feels off

Hey there sweet little one,



Are you ready for Christmas? I know I am ready for it to be over. This is our second Christmas with out you and everything feels off. I can't describe what it is, other than I feel sad and can't wait for January to come. Maybe with a new year we'll have new hope and something to look forward to. Tonight is our ward Christmas party and I am singing in the program. The song is call "The Inn keeper" I really hope I can make it through the song. The last time I practiced it I cried. That is the last thing I need to do tonight. In fact crying is something that I am sick of doing. Everything seems to make me cry. I can't make it through Silent Night without tears rolling down my face. The part where it goes 'Holy Infant so tender and mild, Sleep in Heavenly Peace, Sleep in Heavenly Peace' just reminds me of you. Your a Holy and perfect spirit and I know your sleeping in Heavenly Peace. Maybe if I was a little more giving, a little more will to put myself out there and see what I could do for others, that it might help with feeling the way I feel right now.

This year I was able to participate in the Now I lay me Down to Sleep ornament exchange. I was paired up with a lady from New Jersey who just lost her son in October. She sent me the most beautiful angel that reminded me so much of you. I've put it with the rest of your things and will be keeping it out year round. And of course stupid me left the picture that I took of it at home and don't remember the name of the Angel or the company who makes them. So I'll have to post pictures of it later.

Well my sweet Angel. I love you and miss you so much everyday and wish more than ever that you were here with us for Christmas. If I could have my Christmas wish, it would be that you were here but I know that's not possible. Love you!

Love,

Mommy

1st Heavenly Birthday

Hello my sweet little Brynn,

I know this post is late, I've had a really hard time bringing myself to write it. On your birthday it snowed. I knew it would because I know you like the snow. So we were not able to go to the cemetery to do a balloon release or anything else that day. So everyone just came over to our home and had cake and ice cream. Your dad and I were able to get up to the cemetery to visit you on Saturday, but were not able to stay long. I really missed you on your birthday. I did get a wonderful visit from a friend. Her name is Laura and we've become good friends with her and her husband. They are in our ward and I really enjoy being friends with them. Anyway on your birthday she brought me some flowers. Of course I cried. Her timing couldn't have been better. She didn't even know that it was your birthday.

I miss you sweet little one, I'm sorry this is short. My heart has not been in the right place for a while.

Love you!

Mommy

The Count Down

Well my sweet little one this is it. Your birthday week and I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I would wake up and realize that this last year of a nightmare was just all a bad dream. It really hit me hard on Saturday that we are on the count down to when I felt you last move, to going to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning to find out that you had passed away, to the 36 hours of labor that progressed very slowly, to your birth at 7:35 P.m. on November 18, 2009, to have the last little hope that I had thinking that maybe a miracle would happen that I would hear you cry, like I had heard the other babies on the floor crying be totally crushed when the room remained silent. I know it would have had to been one heck of a miracle but I still hoped. I just didn't want to believe you were really gone. I didn't want to believe that instead of planning your baby blessing that I was now going to have to plan your funeral. The last 3 days have been very emotional for me. I cry a lot. I cry at thinking its been a year a whole freaking year since I last saw your little body, a year since I felt you move last. I cry at knowing I never got to hear your cry as a new born. I cry at knowing I will never see you do the normal baby things, like roll over, crawl, start pulling yourself up on chairs, walk, your first tooth. I cry at a lots of things. I got your shelf and pictures and hand and foot casts put up on Sunday and all I could do was cry doing that, it was a good thing your dad was here to help. I hate the fact that I feel like that the only way that I can talk about you and remember you is that I have to come to a blog and blog to you. I should be able to talk about you all I want to other people and cry if I need to. I wish more people would ask me about you but yet in every ones eyes your gone so why talk about it. Well the reason is because just like every proud parent I like to talk about my baby girl as well. Regardless of where you are. I hate the fact that I feel like people push me off when I do want to talk to you. I'm still not sure what we're going to do for your birthday. Maybe it will just be me and your dad doing something. Everyone seems to be crapping out on me on if they will be there or not. So maybe what we'll do is go and get a really nice dinner and have cake and ice cream or something. I have a cake ordered for you. I'll post pics of it on Thursday. Well my sweet baby girl I love you and miss you so much!

Love Mommy

This time last year.

Hey my little sweet one.

I cannot believe how fast time is going. I know I have said that in other posts. In fact I think I have said it in almost every one but it's the truth. I can't believe it. In so many ways I wish I could make it stop. I was thinking about Halloween this year and thinking about it last year and where we were last year. Time was getting closer to when you would be here, my belly was growing and I was starting look more pregnant than just gaining weight. Only 2 weeks before this picture is when I started wearing maternity clothes.

Now here we are a year later and I'm wishing more than ever that you were here. I was thinking about what I would dress you up as and I'm thinking it would have had to been one of the Disney princesses. It would have been so much fun to take you to the Halloween parties that are going to be happening. Now here we are without you and we're going to be staying home tonight. Maybe watch a movie then off to bed. I love you sweet one. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms again.

Love, Mommy

Ultrasound Pictures of your little sister.

Hey Brynn!

Your going to have a little sister!!! I am so excited about it. Although it has brought a hole new set of worries for me and your Dad. We so don't want to go through what we've been through again, but I am trying my hardest not to think about those things. I wanted to show you some of the ultrasound pictures we got this weekend. Paizlee was sure kicking up a storm when we were trying to find out what she was and she was very very shy. She wasn't shy though in showing off her legs. Almost every other picture that we have of her is her showing her legs. We have a few of her arms and one of her feet and a few of her side. It was fun to just watch her moving and kicking, it totally makes sense to me now why I have been so sore, its because of her!! I love you Brynn and miss you so much everyday, your birthday is coming fast and I am not ready for it at all. I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday the way a birthday should be celebrated. Love you my sweet baby girl

Love Mommy

Hearing babies heart beat.

Hey my sweet little Brynn,

Well our heart doppler came in the mail today. I can't wait to get home and try it out! The best part is that your dad will be able to hear it whenever he wants with me. I really wish we would have done this with you, but at that time I never thought that it was really possible to lose you. I knew that it could happen I just never thought it would happen to us. I guess that what we get for thinking something would never happen. Even though I would never go back and change anything that happened with you, I do wish at times that I was one of those pregnant woman who lived in the world believing that nothing could happen to my baby, that my baby will be perfect and when my baby gets older they will be the best ever. I wish I could get to the point that I felt comfortable enough to go and buy things for this baby. And maybe after some time I will. Or maybe I'll just wait until after the baby is here. Although your Grandma, Aunt and Dad all think they're going to make me buy things. I really do want to wait. Anyway when I get home I am going to record the babies heartbeat and I'll post it for you to hear.

I love you Brynn and miss you so much!

Love mommy

Break down in the Drs office

Hey there sweet little one,

So I have a lot to share with you! First, we had our first Drs appointment yesterday and I think I found the Dr we are going to go to for this pregnancy. He is a really nice guy and super smart. Everyone that I have talked to so far has said amazing things about him. He took the time to answer all of my questions and made me feel really good about everything. Before I met with him though I was getting my blood pressure taken and questions asked by his nurse. She started asking me if this was my first pregnancy. I knew they would ask me questions but what I wasn't prepared for was how I ended up reacting. I had a complete break down crying my eyes out as I told what had happened to you and then I realized how scared I truly am about this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am happy about it but at the same time super worried. My Dr did ask me more questions in what happened and I answered them the best that I could. He told me that what happened with you tends to be a fluke thing, I have been told that before but in my mind I keep asking what will keep it from happening again? I know I just need to have faith that everything will be fine with this little one. He did tell me something new about it, he said generally when the cord starts doing what it did with you it starts happening about 2 weeks before something happens. So he is going to start doing NST starting at 30 weeks. That makes me feel really good.
The second thing is that your Dad and I are looking into buying a home right now. We've looked at several homes and we have one that we really like. We're just praying know that we can get approved for a loan.

Well sweet little Brynn I love you so much! and miss you more and more everyday.

Love mommy

Trying to choose a Dr

Hey my sweet little one,

Happy 9 month Heavenly Birthday Brynn! Wow I can not believe that it's been 9 months today. Oh how time has gone by so fast. It makes my heart hurt knowing its been that long.

So for the past week I have been trying to decide on what Dr I wanted to go to for your little brother or sister. I am really torn. There is 2 Drs that are new to the valley and I have heard really good things about both of them. I have also been trying to rack my brain for questions to ask them and so far I have 2. I guess the biggest thing is I want to go in and tell them everything that happened to you and see what they say, see what they will do different to help this one.



I have been getting really nervous the last couple days. Part of it is wanting everything to go good this time and the other part is knowing that November is coming and its coming fast. I really don't want a year to come. When I start thinking about it my heart starts beating fast and I feel like I can't breath. I miss you so much.

I love you Brynn. Miss you so much today and everyday.

Love Mommy

Big Sister

Hey Sweet little one!

Guess what your going to be a big sister!! We found out on July 29th. We're not very far along but still your Dad and I are very excited about it. That puts your baby brother or sister due April 6, 2011 which seems like forever away! Your Dad has a feeling that its a boy but I am really hoping that we get another girl. Either way we will be excited for whatever we get. I told your cousin Jaxson that we were going to have another baby and he asked me if it was a real baby or a toy baby. Then he asked me if it was a boy or girl. Then later that night he told his mom that he wants me to have 2 babies, a boy one and a girl then that way Devon can have the boy and I can have the girl. I couldn't stop laughing when I was told that. He really cracks me up. So today is Grandma Debbies birthday and Uncle Mitch is now in New Mexico. So there has been a lot going on around here. But we're loving it and missing you so much everyday. Love you my sweet little one. Love

Mommy

Family Photo

Hey Brynn,





So here is the family pic that we took before Uncle Mitchy went to the MTC. Everyone on was there. Well almost everyone one was there. I was hurting inside so bad with the fact that you were not there. All I got to hold was your blanket to represent you. Your dad and I have been talking and I think we are going to find a white teddy bear to represent you. I am going to dress it in the little Levi dress that I had purchased for you and make a headband with a pink flower on it to go on top of the head. After the pictures were all done being taken I finally made my way down stairs and started crying uncontrollably. I never thought that it would hurt so much taking a stupid picture but it did. Especially when its a family picture. I miss you so much. I hope your having a good time up there. I love you my sweet baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

Eight Months Ago...

Eight months ago I held you in my arms, kissed your sweet little noise, forehead, hand and cheek. Eight months ago my life changed in so many ways. Ways that I never thought possible, some are good and some are bad. Some of the good are now having a more charitable heart towards others who may have something really bad going on in their life. In stead of thinking oh that's too bad I hope they are ok, I now feel more deeply for these people, pray more earnestly for the blessings they need and try to help out in anyway that I can. I know have a stronger testimony that families can be together for EVER. Life just doesn't stop at death, it continues. One of the bad things, I cry a lot more. Crying is almost an everyday occurrence. Some of my joy in life is gone and month after month of finding out that once again that you will not be a big sister is eating at the joy that I do have. I was so excited that time was winding down for you to be able to come home with us. I was so excited that I was getting my daughter it's the one thing that I wanted the most; ever since I was a little girl pretending to play house with my dolls. I wanted to be a mom. To find the joy and happiness that I see in so many families who have small children. I love you so much Brynn. I miss you so much. Happy 8 month Heavenly Birthday my sweet little angel.

Today is a good day to eat chocolate.

Hello My Sweet little one,

So yesterday your Uncle Mitch was set apart as a full time missionary and has left today with Grandma and Grandpa to do a few last minute things and then will be entering the MTC on July 14th. I am really excited for him and know he will do wonderfully! I am going to miss him. 2 years is in a way a long time but then at the same time it really isn't. I am so grateful to be apart of the church and knowing that I will be with you for eternity as long as I am doing my part brings me a lot of comfort. :) It really brings me comfort knowing that you were special enough that all you needed was a body to complete your earthly journey. Even though yesterday was a special day for Mitch, I really missed you a lot. We did our first family photos with everyone being home before Mitch left and it took all I had not to cry during pictures. It was just one of the many first. I did get your blanket that I had made for you and used it for the representation for you but my heart still broke. It was really hard to watch the rest of the nieces and nephews go and sit on Mitch's lap and get pictures with him knowing that I don't get to do that with you, it broke my heart when everyone started talking about how much each of the children will have changed by the time he gets home from his mission. When I did finally get the chance I slipped down stairs and got into the room and broke down crying. I stayed in there for a while and then left and went to your special spot. I sat in the grass for a long time crying and holding your blanket, its been a few months since I had a really big break down and even still today its taking everything I have to keep from crying.
We also had a family reunion this weekend with Grandma's side of the family and it was fun and hard at the same time. Both of my cousins who are my age both have new babies. Kylie had her baby the same month that you were born and Taylor had his son a few months ago. I stayed away as much as possible from them and tried not to look at the babies. Once again it made me sad to watch my family especially Grandma and your Aunt Jessy sit and get so excited to see the other babies. Brynn you should be here being the one who everyone gets excited to see. I really miss you. I love you so much, I hope your having a wonderful time up in Heaven. Love you always and forever my special little angel.

Love,
Mommy

July 10, 2010

So I have a family reunion come up on July 10. No big deal right... who doesn't like to get together with extended family and see how each other is doing. Then it hit me last night. My cousin had a baby girl in November. If I remember correctly it was November 10 when she had her. So now when I think about it, it almost makes me physically sick. I can't do this. I know if I go and she is there I am going to fall into pieces and no one will understand. I love my cousin and want nothing but the best for her. But to be honest I don't know how I am going to do this with a smile on my face and act like its no big deal. My other cousin had a baby boy in March. My heart is hurting right now knowing that I am going to be surround by babies. I can't do this.

Just Once

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms,
Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.
I wish I could have changed a diaper,
Chosen an outfit for the day,
Given you a bath
and soothed your skin with lotion.
Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me,
or spend time alone with you, just the two of us.
Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall,
Just once I wish I could have heard the words
"What a beautiful, healthy baby girl!"
Just once....

~~Author Unknown

7 Months

To my Dear sweet little Brynn,

Today marks your 7 month heavenly birthday. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. I miss you so much and wish that you were here with me more than anything. In a way I wish I could make time slow down a bit. November is coming way to fast and I don't feel like I am ready for that one year mark. I know your in a better place than here on this earth and are probably have a wonderful time with your great-grandparents who are up there with you. Give Grandma and Grandpa Allred a big hug for me and tell them I love them and can't wait to see them as well. I hope Grandma has told you the story of Hansel and Gretel, it was one of my favorites when I was a child.

Your Dad and I went to visit you last night. Its been the first night in a while that we've been up there because of all of rain that we have been getting. It was so peaceful and I know that you are happy where you are. Monday marks your Dad and I 2 year anniversary. I can't believe its been 2 years already. Its also fathers day weekend I know your Dad is having a really hard time with it and it break my heart knowing how badly he wants a child of his own. I wish there was something I could do for him. That is partly why we're going camping this weekend. Its so we can get away and just spend the time together. Brynn I love you so much and miss you everyday.

Love,
Mommy

Lots of tears and a hard choice to make

When I finally had some time to my self after losing Brynn and after the funeral I had a lot of time to sit and think to myself about how I was going to handle things. I kept telling myself over and over again that I would not get angry. I know anger is one thing that helps drive yourself into a depression even more and when you have anger in your life its hard to get past it. I've tried and tried with all of my might that I wouldn't let myself get to that point but at times I truly cannot help it.



Devon and I have been trying ever since we got the Dr ok to try to get pregnant again. December I had to have a D&C because I had a piece of placenta left over in my uterus that was missed and causing me a lot of pain. So starting in January we started trying and nothing happened. I am partly ok with that just because I had my gall bladder removed in January. February came and went and nothing. March came and we moved to Wyoming, still nothing but with the stress of moving I think its best it didn't happen. April came and went. May, I ended up with having to get a root canal and had to go on an antibiotic that would have not been good at all for a new baby had I ended up getting pregnant. Now its June and still nothing. Devon and I did decide 2 weeks ago that maybe its best that I go back on birth control for just a short time. I know you have only a 20% chance every month to get pregnant. When we got pregnant with Brynn I stop the birth control and 2 weeks later we were pregnant and 4 weeks after that I was telling Devon that we were going to be having a baby. We're hoping that this will be the case again after a couple of months of being on birth control.



Anyway to the tears and hard choice. Yesterday my mom tells me that she thinks its best that I go talk to a Dr and get on some anti-depressants and go talk to a counselor. I have down days and I know I cry more than the average person and there are days where just the littlest things can set me off and make me cry and then it seems like it take a couple of days of recovering from what happened. I know I don't laugh as much as I use to, but I just can't find it in me to laugh over stupid things. I guess I was just hoping that I could make it through this without having to go and talk to someone or having to get on anti-depressants. I just know some people who are on them and it doesn't seem like it helps them in their situation. I guess I just feel so lost and I'm tired of thinking that I am healing just to have people smack me in the face with stuff like this with out warning.

Healing

So the other day I was looking up other blogs about mommies whose baby has gone to soon and I came across this one called herownpace.blogspot.com. She has a sign on her blog that says "It is said that everyone heals at their own pace. This is my pace" Now I have thought a lot about the saying time heals everything but when I read this it really hit me. I have been getting a lot of comments from people telling me that I needed to start moving on and that I needed to stop being sad about Brynn being gone. I was even told over memorial weekend that I was to go to the cemetery and tell Brynn that I was no longer going to be sad about her being gone and that I was going to move on with my life. Needless to say I am so sick of people who have never been through this telling me to get over my daughter. I agree I need to find something that brings me joy and something that can help my heart mend but the truth is I will never be the same person I was before all of this. I know this and my husband is finally starting to understand that this is taking time and is doing his best to help me in every way he can.

We want a family more than anything in the world and it is driving us crazy that we still are not pregnant. I have started back on birth control. I really feel that right now at this point I may have a little bit of a hormonal imbalance going on. So we're hoping that after 3-6 months that what ever is going on has corrected its self. Also in the mean time of the waiting game we have adopted ourself a little pit bull named Chelby. She has been a good thing for me and for Devon. We really love her and in a way she is helping me deal with my sadness. I know Chelby is just a dog and that there is no way she could ever fully fix the hurt that I have from Brynn going to soon but for now she is giving me something to look forward to.

Brynn's 6 Month Heaven Birthday

Yesterday was Brynn's 6 month Heaven Birthday. I spent a good portion of the day thinking of her and wishing that she was here. It was kind of a sad day yesterday as far as the weather goes. I was planning doing a balloon release but it was so windy, cold and rainy that I decided that we'll wait. I think we'll try to do it on Memorial Day. I cannot believe that we have already hit the 6 month mark. I had been thinking a lot about Devon and when we were pregnant he loved to rap his arm around me while I was sleeping and feel Brynn moving. He told me one time that he had woke up in the middle of the night because he had felt something hitting the bed and for the longest time couldn't figure it out, then he realized that it was Brynn. At the time I was laying on my side and he could feel her kicking the bed through me. He laughs so hard about that whenever he talks about it. For him that was his time to bond with out little princess. One other thing that I remember was Devon would but his head down on my stomach so he could listen to her and feel her move. Devon got kicked in the head quite often when he would do that. I think it was Brynn's way of telling her Dad that she knew he was there.

Even though the pregnancy was hard I wouldn't trade it for the world. I miss the feeling of my little angel kicking and moving inside of me and welcome the day when we'll have that feeling again. Hopefully with a better out come this time.

Brynn's Headstone.

So we finally got Brynn's Headstone in place and I am so glad. Memorial Weekend is coming and I wanted it done before then. I have already started making planters that have fresh flowers in them so that I can put them on her grave for that weekend. My cousin Joseph would would have been about a year and a half younger than me is buried just above Brynn so yesterday after everything was done I put pin wheels on both of the babies grave. Joseph was a still born as well. I am very glad that we were able to put Brynn in our family plot. My Grandparents have promised me and Devon two spots so that we can be next to our baby when our time comes and we go.

Brynn's Funeral Pictures

This is my Grandpa Allred. He passed away Jan 10, 2010. I miss him a great deal. My Grandma Allred passed away Aug 2, 2004 I had a wonderful relationship with them and miss them so much. I know that my Grandma was there waiting for Brynn and is now taking care of her for me.

This was a very small set up. The day of the funeral Devon and I did not want to move. My family made it to the funeral before we did.

This is my Mom and my little Brother Mitch. Mitch just received his mission call to New Mexico and leaves July 14. I am so excited for him. His is going to make the best missionary!!!

The blanket I had made for Brynn. I had finished the blanket only a few weeks prior to everything happening. My sister in law Val mad the little sign. I love it.

This is all of my nieces and nephews. They sang I am a Child of God for the special musical number. Jazzy the little one in the black dress has really helped me through the hard times. When ever you ask her who's girl she is, her answer is always Nenna. She can't say my name just yet so it comes out that way. It makes me laugh. My sister Jessica teaches music in primary so she helped the children sing their song.

The next set of pictures are backwards. So if you want to start from the bottom you can.

This is my Grandma Allen, My Aunt Amy, and Aunt Kristi. My Grandma and Grandpa Allen came over to the hospital and stayed there with us while everything was happening. I really have the best Grandparents on both sides of my family. Oh yeah this is after the funeral.

Devon actually dug Brynn's grave. That is something that he felt like he needed to do for our daughter. He was also helped by my brother Mitch and my Grandpa Allen who instructed them on where to dig. This is with my Uncles, Devon, and my Brother Mitch filling in her grave.

This is just after the grave side service. My Grandpa Allen dedicated the grave.

This is with my Grandpa Allen and Devon putting Brynn's casket into the ground.

This is during the grave side service. As you can see we got a lot of snow that morning. I really believe that Brynn must like snow. But it was very fitting for the fact that Brynn is a perfect spirit and all she need to do was to come get her body and return home.

This is us bringing Brynn to the grave side. Following us as honorary pall bearers is my brother-in-law Michael, my brother Anthony, my brother Travis and my brother Mitch.

same with this picture.

This is almost everyone. Just waiting to get started.

Wonderful People

So for the past few days I have been feeling very sorry for myself in the fact that once again we're not pregnant. and I have been letting that consume me and making myself very bitter about the fact that Brynn is gone, we're coming up on 6 months. Anyway today I went to pick up my nephew from school because he wasn't feeling good. I ended up running into a lady that I use to go to church with when I was younger. In June of 2009 her 16 year old son took his own life. When I found that out I was devastated for their family. They are such good people. She and I talked for a good while about the tender mercies that we have received from the Lord. In all honesty she was an answer to my prayers. I was feeling like no one cared anymore about me and how I hurt and how its an on going hurt. I'm not asking for a pity party everyday because Brynn is gone but when people say things like ''oh well you'll have more children, its fine'' the truth is no its not fine just because we might be able to have children it doesn't change the fact that she isn't here no baby could ever replace her. I am finding more and more of my friends who are wonderful people who would make wonderful parents can't have children of their own. Anyway it really helped talking to her for a while and being able to explain how I felt and how everyday is a new day some are good some are bad. Or there are days that it starts off good but then something reminds you of your missing child. I am so grateful for the plan of salvation and through that we're an eternal family, we will be with Brynn again one day.

Brynn's Headstone

So at the beginning of this week we got the call that Brynn's headstone was done! I was so excited to be able to get it and be able to get Brynn's grave marked. So Friday my parents let us take the day and went to Pocatello to get it. While we were there Devon got a bunch of tools that he needed to get for work and spent a lot of money. It blows my mind in how much he spent on tools while he was a mechanic for Lithia that he didn't have one thing in his tool box that would work. Oh well such is life. We went and picked up the headstone both of us had butterflies in our stomach and were very pleased with it. Blane even placed it in cement for us. He is such an amazing man. I think this next weekend we will place it on her grave. By then we will have a little more help in doing it. It took 3 guys to lift it. I'll post some more pictures when we get it placed. But here is what it looks like.

Our Visit to Brynn

So last night Devon and I decided to go visit Brynn. I cannot believe that her 5 month Heavenly Birthday is coming up so fast. I've been reflecting on her quiet a bit lately, thinking things like I wish I could see her crawling, being there when she would take her first step, listening to her giggle from her aunts and uncles teasing her because in my family if your not being teased then something is up. Any way back to our adventure of going to visit Brynn. So we got to the cemetery road and it still has snow on it, we drove in a little ways and everything looked just fine so we proceeded on in. We made it to the gates and walked from there to her grave. I still cannot believe that after 5 months how incredibly hard it was to stand there knowing I couldn't hold her. After we stood there for some time both of us were freezing and decided to go back to the car. (this is where the fun begins) We tried to back out and soon realized we were stuck! Devon got out of the car and start pushing while I drove... we got no where. So Devon got our dust pan and I had a cake pan and we started digging ourselves out. We got a little ways up the hill but couldn't any farther than that. My mom called to check on us and then soon after that we were on the phone to my Grandpa Allen calling for help. So Grandpa got on his tractor and came and plowed the road for us and pulled us out. While Grandpa was on his way down to get us; our neighbor Eric Nelson happened to see him go by on the tractor so he called Grandma and asked her what was going on so he went and got his Dads tractor and soon follow and started clearing the way. Needless to say I felt dumb that we had to call for help but at least we got out and even better the road is now clear lol. I miss my Brynn so much right now.

Counting my blessings

So as you know Devon and I are moving back to Wyoming! I am very excited and nervous at the same time. But I know that this move is the right thing to do; whatever it may have in store for us. I am excited for the new opportunities that await us in Star Valley and for the opportunity to be close to Brynn. The last week I have been thinking and reflecting on my daughter and thinking about how much I miss her. I also have been having dreams about the night we went to the hospital and listing to the Dr. say "I'm sorry but nothing was there." Or my dreams are that I am pregnant again with her and can feel her kicking and I wake up and realize it's just phantom kicks. But what a blessing she has been to us, despite the heartache that has come from it. I have a perfect daughter, one who gets to go to the celestial kingdom without having to deal with the scum here on this earth. I know I get to be with her for eternity... Well I am going to work my hardest so I can be worthy to be with her for eternity. I love it when she comes and visits me and Devon. I always know when she comes; the house has such a warm and special feeling. I feel like I have become more sensitive to others feelings and want to reach out to those who may be struggling with whatever they have going on in their life. I have met some AMAZING people who I have been able to get strength from. I am grateful to parents who taught Devon and me to Love God!!

Oh and just so you know we got Brynn's headstone ordered finally! I cannot wait for the end of April when it will be done! I have so many ideas of what I want to put up on her grave!

Wouldn't I

So for the past few days the thought 'wouldn't I have made a good mom'? Keeps running through my head and partly it from the fact that the other day Devon and I were out running some errands and we saw a girl who had to be maybe 17 years old who was about 7 or 8 months pregnant. Needless to say I was having one of those days where I was thinking why is it someone like that who is still a baby herself gets to have her baby? Would I not have been a good mom? Devon and I have been trying to get pregnant again and this week was suppose to be the week we found out. Well its 3 days now past my period start date and I still test negative. I never thought that sitting there watching a stupid little stick that can have a joyful result or crushing result could bring such heartache. Needless to say I am tired of crying. But for some new exciting news. Devon and I are moving!! I am so ready for a change but it means leaving my sister and her family :( not happy about that part. Its been really fun being close to them and having fun with her kids.

Brynn's Movie

So shortly after we got the pictures of Brynn back I found on my computer that I could put movies together. So I put together a movie together of all the pictures that I had of Brynn from the beginning of the pregnancy all the way to the end. It was something that has helped the big hole that is in my heart at this time. This movie is something that dear to my heart and I wasn't planning on sharing it with people but I feel it is time to share.

Headstones

So I have been looking at headstone ideas of what we're going to do for Brynn and there is nothing that is jumping out at me that I like yet. I have yet to find one that will represent her. I hate having to make these type of decisions. We do know that we want to use the rose colored granite but as far as wording and what type of symbol we want on there I can't find anything I like. I guess the biggest thing is I don't want to use a generic flower or angel... ect. I need some ideas!