Little Footprints

How very softly you tiptoed into my world.



Almost silently you stayed,



but what an imprint your footsteps



have left upon my heart



A heart of gold stopped beating



My baby girl's eyes at rest



God broke our hearts to prove,



He only takes the best.



God knew she had to leave us,



but she did not go alone.



For part of us went with her,



the day He took her home.



To some she is forgotten,



to others... just the past,



but to us who loved and lost her



memories will always last.



 BabyFruit Ticker

Friday, June 11, 2010

Lots of tears and a hard choice to make

When I finally had some time to my self after losing Brynn and after the funeral I had a lot of time to sit and think to myself about how I was going to handle things. I kept telling myself over and over again that I would not get angry. I know anger is one thing that helps drive yourself into a depression even more and when you have anger in your life its hard to get past it. I've tried and tried with all of my might that I wouldn't let myself get to that point but at times I truly cannot help it.



Devon and I have been trying ever since we got the Dr ok to try to get pregnant again. December I had to have a D&C because I had a piece of placenta left over in my uterus that was missed and causing me a lot of pain. So starting in January we started trying and nothing happened. I am partly ok with that just because I had my gall bladder removed in January. February came and went and nothing. March came and we moved to Wyoming, still nothing but with the stress of moving I think its best it didn't happen. April came and went. May, I ended up with having to get a root canal and had to go on an antibiotic that would have not been good at all for a new baby had I ended up getting pregnant. Now its June and still nothing. Devon and I did decide 2 weeks ago that maybe its best that I go back on birth control for just a short time. I know you have only a 20% chance every month to get pregnant. When we got pregnant with Brynn I stop the birth control and 2 weeks later we were pregnant and 4 weeks after that I was telling Devon that we were going to be having a baby. We're hoping that this will be the case again after a couple of months of being on birth control.



Anyway to the tears and hard choice. Yesterday my mom tells me that she thinks its best that I go talk to a Dr and get on some anti-depressants and go talk to a counselor. I have down days and I know I cry more than the average person and there are days where just the littlest things can set me off and make me cry and then it seems like it take a couple of days of recovering from what happened. I know I don't laugh as much as I use to, but I just can't find it in me to laugh over stupid things. I guess I was just hoping that I could make it through this without having to go and talk to someone or having to get on anti-depressants. I just know some people who are on them and it doesn't seem like it helps them in their situation. I guess I just feel so lost and I'm tired of thinking that I am healing just to have people smack me in the face with stuff like this with out warning.

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