July 10, 2010

So I have a family reunion come up on July 10. No big deal right... who doesn't like to get together with extended family and see how each other is doing. Then it hit me last night. My cousin had a baby girl in November. If I remember correctly it was November 10 when she had her. So now when I think about it, it almost makes me physically sick. I can't do this. I know if I go and she is there I am going to fall into pieces and no one will understand. I love my cousin and want nothing but the best for her. But to be honest I don't know how I am going to do this with a smile on my face and act like its no big deal. My other cousin had a baby boy in March. My heart is hurting right now knowing that I am going to be surround by babies. I can't do this.

Just Once

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms,
Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.
I wish I could have changed a diaper,
Chosen an outfit for the day,
Given you a bath
and soothed your skin with lotion.
Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me,
or spend time alone with you, just the two of us.
Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall,
Just once I wish I could have heard the words
"What a beautiful, healthy baby girl!"
Just once....

~~Author Unknown

7 Months

To my Dear sweet little Brynn,

Today marks your 7 month heavenly birthday. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. I miss you so much and wish that you were here with me more than anything. In a way I wish I could make time slow down a bit. November is coming way to fast and I don't feel like I am ready for that one year mark. I know your in a better place than here on this earth and are probably have a wonderful time with your great-grandparents who are up there with you. Give Grandma and Grandpa Allred a big hug for me and tell them I love them and can't wait to see them as well. I hope Grandma has told you the story of Hansel and Gretel, it was one of my favorites when I was a child.

Your Dad and I went to visit you last night. Its been the first night in a while that we've been up there because of all of rain that we have been getting. It was so peaceful and I know that you are happy where you are. Monday marks your Dad and I 2 year anniversary. I can't believe its been 2 years already. Its also fathers day weekend I know your Dad is having a really hard time with it and it break my heart knowing how badly he wants a child of his own. I wish there was something I could do for him. That is partly why we're going camping this weekend. Its so we can get away and just spend the time together. Brynn I love you so much and miss you everyday.

Love,
Mommy

Lots of tears and a hard choice to make

When I finally had some time to my self after losing Brynn and after the funeral I had a lot of time to sit and think to myself about how I was going to handle things. I kept telling myself over and over again that I would not get angry. I know anger is one thing that helps drive yourself into a depression even more and when you have anger in your life its hard to get past it. I've tried and tried with all of my might that I wouldn't let myself get to that point but at times I truly cannot help it.



Devon and I have been trying ever since we got the Dr ok to try to get pregnant again. December I had to have a D&C because I had a piece of placenta left over in my uterus that was missed and causing me a lot of pain. So starting in January we started trying and nothing happened. I am partly ok with that just because I had my gall bladder removed in January. February came and went and nothing. March came and we moved to Wyoming, still nothing but with the stress of moving I think its best it didn't happen. April came and went. May, I ended up with having to get a root canal and had to go on an antibiotic that would have not been good at all for a new baby had I ended up getting pregnant. Now its June and still nothing. Devon and I did decide 2 weeks ago that maybe its best that I go back on birth control for just a short time. I know you have only a 20% chance every month to get pregnant. When we got pregnant with Brynn I stop the birth control and 2 weeks later we were pregnant and 4 weeks after that I was telling Devon that we were going to be having a baby. We're hoping that this will be the case again after a couple of months of being on birth control.



Anyway to the tears and hard choice. Yesterday my mom tells me that she thinks its best that I go talk to a Dr and get on some anti-depressants and go talk to a counselor. I have down days and I know I cry more than the average person and there are days where just the littlest things can set me off and make me cry and then it seems like it take a couple of days of recovering from what happened. I know I don't laugh as much as I use to, but I just can't find it in me to laugh over stupid things. I guess I was just hoping that I could make it through this without having to go and talk to someone or having to get on anti-depressants. I just know some people who are on them and it doesn't seem like it helps them in their situation. I guess I just feel so lost and I'm tired of thinking that I am healing just to have people smack me in the face with stuff like this with out warning.

Healing

So the other day I was looking up other blogs about mommies whose baby has gone to soon and I came across this one called herownpace.blogspot.com. She has a sign on her blog that says "It is said that everyone heals at their own pace. This is my pace" Now I have thought a lot about the saying time heals everything but when I read this it really hit me. I have been getting a lot of comments from people telling me that I needed to start moving on and that I needed to stop being sad about Brynn being gone. I was even told over memorial weekend that I was to go to the cemetery and tell Brynn that I was no longer going to be sad about her being gone and that I was going to move on with my life. Needless to say I am so sick of people who have never been through this telling me to get over my daughter. I agree I need to find something that brings me joy and something that can help my heart mend but the truth is I will never be the same person I was before all of this. I know this and my husband is finally starting to understand that this is taking time and is doing his best to help me in every way he can.

We want a family more than anything in the world and it is driving us crazy that we still are not pregnant. I have started back on birth control. I really feel that right now at this point I may have a little bit of a hormonal imbalance going on. So we're hoping that after 3-6 months that what ever is going on has corrected its self. Also in the mean time of the waiting game we have adopted ourself a little pit bull named Chelby. She has been a good thing for me and for Devon. We really love her and in a way she is helping me deal with my sadness. I know Chelby is just a dog and that there is no way she could ever fully fix the hurt that I have from Brynn going to soon but for now she is giving me something to look forward to.