1st Heavenly Birthday

Hello my sweet little Brynn,

I know this post is late, I've had a really hard time bringing myself to write it. On your birthday it snowed. I knew it would because I know you like the snow. So we were not able to go to the cemetery to do a balloon release or anything else that day. So everyone just came over to our home and had cake and ice cream. Your dad and I were able to get up to the cemetery to visit you on Saturday, but were not able to stay long. I really missed you on your birthday. I did get a wonderful visit from a friend. Her name is Laura and we've become good friends with her and her husband. They are in our ward and I really enjoy being friends with them. Anyway on your birthday she brought me some flowers. Of course I cried. Her timing couldn't have been better. She didn't even know that it was your birthday.

I miss you sweet little one, I'm sorry this is short. My heart has not been in the right place for a while.

Love you!

Mommy

The Count Down

Well my sweet little one this is it. Your birthday week and I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I would wake up and realize that this last year of a nightmare was just all a bad dream. It really hit me hard on Saturday that we are on the count down to when I felt you last move, to going to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning to find out that you had passed away, to the 36 hours of labor that progressed very slowly, to your birth at 7:35 P.m. on November 18, 2009, to have the last little hope that I had thinking that maybe a miracle would happen that I would hear you cry, like I had heard the other babies on the floor crying be totally crushed when the room remained silent. I know it would have had to been one heck of a miracle but I still hoped. I just didn't want to believe you were really gone. I didn't want to believe that instead of planning your baby blessing that I was now going to have to plan your funeral. The last 3 days have been very emotional for me. I cry a lot. I cry at thinking its been a year a whole freaking year since I last saw your little body, a year since I felt you move last. I cry at knowing I never got to hear your cry as a new born. I cry at knowing I will never see you do the normal baby things, like roll over, crawl, start pulling yourself up on chairs, walk, your first tooth. I cry at a lots of things. I got your shelf and pictures and hand and foot casts put up on Sunday and all I could do was cry doing that, it was a good thing your dad was here to help. I hate the fact that I feel like that the only way that I can talk about you and remember you is that I have to come to a blog and blog to you. I should be able to talk about you all I want to other people and cry if I need to. I wish more people would ask me about you but yet in every ones eyes your gone so why talk about it. Well the reason is because just like every proud parent I like to talk about my baby girl as well. Regardless of where you are. I hate the fact that I feel like people push me off when I do want to talk to you. I'm still not sure what we're going to do for your birthday. Maybe it will just be me and your dad doing something. Everyone seems to be crapping out on me on if they will be there or not. So maybe what we'll do is go and get a really nice dinner and have cake and ice cream or something. I have a cake ordered for you. I'll post pics of it on Thursday. Well my sweet baby girl I love you and miss you so much!

Love Mommy