The Count Down

Well my sweet little one this is it. Your birthday week and I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I would wake up and realize that this last year of a nightmare was just all a bad dream. It really hit me hard on Saturday that we are on the count down to when I felt you last move, to going to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning to find out that you had passed away, to the 36 hours of labor that progressed very slowly, to your birth at 7:35 P.m. on November 18, 2009, to have the last little hope that I had thinking that maybe a miracle would happen that I would hear you cry, like I had heard the other babies on the floor crying be totally crushed when the room remained silent. I know it would have had to been one heck of a miracle but I still hoped. I just didn't want to believe you were really gone. I didn't want to believe that instead of planning your baby blessing that I was now going to have to plan your funeral. The last 3 days have been very emotional for me. I cry a lot. I cry at thinking its been a year a whole freaking year since I last saw your little body, a year since I felt you move last. I cry at knowing I never got to hear your cry as a new born. I cry at knowing I will never see you do the normal baby things, like roll over, crawl, start pulling yourself up on chairs, walk, your first tooth. I cry at a lots of things. I got your shelf and pictures and hand and foot casts put up on Sunday and all I could do was cry doing that, it was a good thing your dad was here to help. I hate the fact that I feel like that the only way that I can talk about you and remember you is that I have to come to a blog and blog to you. I should be able to talk about you all I want to other people and cry if I need to. I wish more people would ask me about you but yet in every ones eyes your gone so why talk about it. Well the reason is because just like every proud parent I like to talk about my baby girl as well. Regardless of where you are. I hate the fact that I feel like people push me off when I do want to talk to you. I'm still not sure what we're going to do for your birthday. Maybe it will just be me and your dad doing something. Everyone seems to be crapping out on me on if they will be there or not. So maybe what we'll do is go and get a really nice dinner and have cake and ice cream or something. I have a cake ordered for you. I'll post pics of it on Thursday. Well my sweet baby girl I love you and miss you so much!

Love Mommy

This time last year.

Hey my little sweet one.

I cannot believe how fast time is going. I know I have said that in other posts. In fact I think I have said it in almost every one but it's the truth. I can't believe it. In so many ways I wish I could make it stop. I was thinking about Halloween this year and thinking about it last year and where we were last year. Time was getting closer to when you would be here, my belly was growing and I was starting look more pregnant than just gaining weight. Only 2 weeks before this picture is when I started wearing maternity clothes.

Now here we are a year later and I'm wishing more than ever that you were here. I was thinking about what I would dress you up as and I'm thinking it would have had to been one of the Disney princesses. It would have been so much fun to take you to the Halloween parties that are going to be happening. Now here we are without you and we're going to be staying home tonight. Maybe watch a movie then off to bed. I love you sweet one. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms again.

Love, Mommy

Ultrasound Pictures of your little sister.

Hey Brynn!

Your going to have a little sister!!! I am so excited about it. Although it has brought a hole new set of worries for me and your Dad. We so don't want to go through what we've been through again, but I am trying my hardest not to think about those things. I wanted to show you some of the ultrasound pictures we got this weekend. Paizlee was sure kicking up a storm when we were trying to find out what she was and she was very very shy. She wasn't shy though in showing off her legs. Almost every other picture that we have of her is her showing her legs. We have a few of her arms and one of her feet and a few of her side. It was fun to just watch her moving and kicking, it totally makes sense to me now why I have been so sore, its because of her!! I love you Brynn and miss you so much everyday, your birthday is coming fast and I am not ready for it at all. I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday the way a birthday should be celebrated. Love you my sweet baby girl

Love Mommy

Hearing babies heart beat.

Hey my sweet little Brynn,

Well our heart doppler came in the mail today. I can't wait to get home and try it out! The best part is that your dad will be able to hear it whenever he wants with me. I really wish we would have done this with you, but at that time I never thought that it was really possible to lose you. I knew that it could happen I just never thought it would happen to us. I guess that what we get for thinking something would never happen. Even though I would never go back and change anything that happened with you, I do wish at times that I was one of those pregnant woman who lived in the world believing that nothing could happen to my baby, that my baby will be perfect and when my baby gets older they will be the best ever. I wish I could get to the point that I felt comfortable enough to go and buy things for this baby. And maybe after some time I will. Or maybe I'll just wait until after the baby is here. Although your Grandma, Aunt and Dad all think they're going to make me buy things. I really do want to wait. Anyway when I get home I am going to record the babies heartbeat and I'll post it for you to hear.

I love you Brynn and miss you so much!

Love mommy

Break down in the Drs office

Hey there sweet little one,

So I have a lot to share with you! First, we had our first Drs appointment yesterday and I think I found the Dr we are going to go to for this pregnancy. He is a really nice guy and super smart. Everyone that I have talked to so far has said amazing things about him. He took the time to answer all of my questions and made me feel really good about everything. Before I met with him though I was getting my blood pressure taken and questions asked by his nurse. She started asking me if this was my first pregnancy. I knew they would ask me questions but what I wasn't prepared for was how I ended up reacting. I had a complete break down crying my eyes out as I told what had happened to you and then I realized how scared I truly am about this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am happy about it but at the same time super worried. My Dr did ask me more questions in what happened and I answered them the best that I could. He told me that what happened with you tends to be a fluke thing, I have been told that before but in my mind I keep asking what will keep it from happening again? I know I just need to have faith that everything will be fine with this little one. He did tell me something new about it, he said generally when the cord starts doing what it did with you it starts happening about 2 weeks before something happens. So he is going to start doing NST starting at 30 weeks. That makes me feel really good.
The second thing is that your Dad and I are looking into buying a home right now. We've looked at several homes and we have one that we really like. We're just praying know that we can get approved for a loan.

Well sweet little Brynn I love you so much! and miss you more and more everyday.

Love mommy

Trying to choose a Dr

Hey my sweet little one,

Happy 9 month Heavenly Birthday Brynn! Wow I can not believe that it's been 9 months today. Oh how time has gone by so fast. It makes my heart hurt knowing its been that long.

So for the past week I have been trying to decide on what Dr I wanted to go to for your little brother or sister. I am really torn. There is 2 Drs that are new to the valley and I have heard really good things about both of them. I have also been trying to rack my brain for questions to ask them and so far I have 2. I guess the biggest thing is I want to go in and tell them everything that happened to you and see what they say, see what they will do different to help this one.



I have been getting really nervous the last couple days. Part of it is wanting everything to go good this time and the other part is knowing that November is coming and its coming fast. I really don't want a year to come. When I start thinking about it my heart starts beating fast and I feel like I can't breath. I miss you so much.

I love you Brynn. Miss you so much today and everyday.

Love Mommy

Big Sister

Hey Sweet little one!

Guess what your going to be a big sister!! We found out on July 29th. We're not very far along but still your Dad and I are very excited about it. That puts your baby brother or sister due April 6, 2011 which seems like forever away! Your Dad has a feeling that its a boy but I am really hoping that we get another girl. Either way we will be excited for whatever we get. I told your cousin Jaxson that we were going to have another baby and he asked me if it was a real baby or a toy baby. Then he asked me if it was a boy or girl. Then later that night he told his mom that he wants me to have 2 babies, a boy one and a girl then that way Devon can have the boy and I can have the girl. I couldn't stop laughing when I was told that. He really cracks me up. So today is Grandma Debbies birthday and Uncle Mitch is now in New Mexico. So there has been a lot going on around here. But we're loving it and missing you so much everyday. Love you my sweet little one. Love

Mommy