Healing

So the other day I was looking up other blogs about mommies whose baby has gone to soon and I came across this one called herownpace.blogspot.com. She has a sign on her blog that says "It is said that everyone heals at their own pace. This is my pace" Now I have thought a lot about the saying time heals everything but when I read this it really hit me. I have been getting a lot of comments from people telling me that I needed to start moving on and that I needed to stop being sad about Brynn being gone. I was even told over memorial weekend that I was to go to the cemetery and tell Brynn that I was no longer going to be sad about her being gone and that I was going to move on with my life. Needless to say I am so sick of people who have never been through this telling me to get over my daughter. I agree I need to find something that brings me joy and something that can help my heart mend but the truth is I will never be the same person I was before all of this. I know this and my husband is finally starting to understand that this is taking time and is doing his best to help me in every way he can.

We want a family more than anything in the world and it is driving us crazy that we still are not pregnant. I have started back on birth control. I really feel that right now at this point I may have a little bit of a hormonal imbalance going on. So we're hoping that after 3-6 months that what ever is going on has corrected its self. Also in the mean time of the waiting game we have adopted ourself a little pit bull named Chelby. She has been a good thing for me and for Devon. We really love her and in a way she is helping me deal with my sadness. I know Chelby is just a dog and that there is no way she could ever fully fix the hurt that I have from Brynn going to soon but for now she is giving me something to look forward to.

Brynn's 6 Month Heaven Birthday

Yesterday was Brynn's 6 month Heaven Birthday. I spent a good portion of the day thinking of her and wishing that she was here. It was kind of a sad day yesterday as far as the weather goes. I was planning doing a balloon release but it was so windy, cold and rainy that I decided that we'll wait. I think we'll try to do it on Memorial Day. I cannot believe that we have already hit the 6 month mark. I had been thinking a lot about Devon and when we were pregnant he loved to rap his arm around me while I was sleeping and feel Brynn moving. He told me one time that he had woke up in the middle of the night because he had felt something hitting the bed and for the longest time couldn't figure it out, then he realized that it was Brynn. At the time I was laying on my side and he could feel her kicking the bed through me. He laughs so hard about that whenever he talks about it. For him that was his time to bond with out little princess. One other thing that I remember was Devon would but his head down on my stomach so he could listen to her and feel her move. Devon got kicked in the head quite often when he would do that. I think it was Brynn's way of telling her Dad that she knew he was there.

Even though the pregnancy was hard I wouldn't trade it for the world. I miss the feeling of my little angel kicking and moving inside of me and welcome the day when we'll have that feeling again. Hopefully with a better out come this time.

Brynn's Headstone.

So we finally got Brynn's Headstone in place and I am so glad. Memorial Weekend is coming and I wanted it done before then. I have already started making planters that have fresh flowers in them so that I can put them on her grave for that weekend. My cousin Joseph would would have been about a year and a half younger than me is buried just above Brynn so yesterday after everything was done I put pin wheels on both of the babies grave. Joseph was a still born as well. I am very glad that we were able to put Brynn in our family plot. My Grandparents have promised me and Devon two spots so that we can be next to our baby when our time comes and we go.

Brynn's Funeral Pictures

This is my Grandpa Allred. He passed away Jan 10, 2010. I miss him a great deal. My Grandma Allred passed away Aug 2, 2004 I had a wonderful relationship with them and miss them so much. I know that my Grandma was there waiting for Brynn and is now taking care of her for me.

This was a very small set up. The day of the funeral Devon and I did not want to move. My family made it to the funeral before we did.

This is my Mom and my little Brother Mitch. Mitch just received his mission call to New Mexico and leaves July 14. I am so excited for him. His is going to make the best missionary!!!

The blanket I had made for Brynn. I had finished the blanket only a few weeks prior to everything happening. My sister in law Val mad the little sign. I love it.

This is all of my nieces and nephews. They sang I am a Child of God for the special musical number. Jazzy the little one in the black dress has really helped me through the hard times. When ever you ask her who's girl she is, her answer is always Nenna. She can't say my name just yet so it comes out that way. It makes me laugh. My sister Jessica teaches music in primary so she helped the children sing their song.

The next set of pictures are backwards. So if you want to start from the bottom you can.

This is my Grandma Allen, My Aunt Amy, and Aunt Kristi. My Grandma and Grandpa Allen came over to the hospital and stayed there with us while everything was happening. I really have the best Grandparents on both sides of my family. Oh yeah this is after the funeral.

Devon actually dug Brynn's grave. That is something that he felt like he needed to do for our daughter. He was also helped by my brother Mitch and my Grandpa Allen who instructed them on where to dig. This is with my Uncles, Devon, and my Brother Mitch filling in her grave.

This is just after the grave side service. My Grandpa Allen dedicated the grave.

This is with my Grandpa Allen and Devon putting Brynn's casket into the ground.

This is during the grave side service. As you can see we got a lot of snow that morning. I really believe that Brynn must like snow. But it was very fitting for the fact that Brynn is a perfect spirit and all she need to do was to come get her body and return home.

This is us bringing Brynn to the grave side. Following us as honorary pall bearers is my brother-in-law Michael, my brother Anthony, my brother Travis and my brother Mitch.

same with this picture.

This is almost everyone. Just waiting to get started.

Wonderful People

So for the past few days I have been feeling very sorry for myself in the fact that once again we're not pregnant. and I have been letting that consume me and making myself very bitter about the fact that Brynn is gone, we're coming up on 6 months. Anyway today I went to pick up my nephew from school because he wasn't feeling good. I ended up running into a lady that I use to go to church with when I was younger. In June of 2009 her 16 year old son took his own life. When I found that out I was devastated for their family. They are such good people. She and I talked for a good while about the tender mercies that we have received from the Lord. In all honesty she was an answer to my prayers. I was feeling like no one cared anymore about me and how I hurt and how its an on going hurt. I'm not asking for a pity party everyday because Brynn is gone but when people say things like ''oh well you'll have more children, its fine'' the truth is no its not fine just because we might be able to have children it doesn't change the fact that she isn't here no baby could ever replace her. I am finding more and more of my friends who are wonderful people who would make wonderful parents can't have children of their own. Anyway it really helped talking to her for a while and being able to explain how I felt and how everyday is a new day some are good some are bad. Or there are days that it starts off good but then something reminds you of your missing child. I am so grateful for the plan of salvation and through that we're an eternal family, we will be with Brynn again one day.

Brynn's Headstone

So at the beginning of this week we got the call that Brynn's headstone was done! I was so excited to be able to get it and be able to get Brynn's grave marked. So Friday my parents let us take the day and went to Pocatello to get it. While we were there Devon got a bunch of tools that he needed to get for work and spent a lot of money. It blows my mind in how much he spent on tools while he was a mechanic for Lithia that he didn't have one thing in his tool box that would work. Oh well such is life. We went and picked up the headstone both of us had butterflies in our stomach and were very pleased with it. Blane even placed it in cement for us. He is such an amazing man. I think this next weekend we will place it on her grave. By then we will have a little more help in doing it. It took 3 guys to lift it. I'll post some more pictures when we get it placed. But here is what it looks like.

Our Visit to Brynn

So last night Devon and I decided to go visit Brynn. I cannot believe that her 5 month Heavenly Birthday is coming up so fast. I've been reflecting on her quiet a bit lately, thinking things like I wish I could see her crawling, being there when she would take her first step, listening to her giggle from her aunts and uncles teasing her because in my family if your not being teased then something is up. Any way back to our adventure of going to visit Brynn. So we got to the cemetery road and it still has snow on it, we drove in a little ways and everything looked just fine so we proceeded on in. We made it to the gates and walked from there to her grave. I still cannot believe that after 5 months how incredibly hard it was to stand there knowing I couldn't hold her. After we stood there for some time both of us were freezing and decided to go back to the car. (this is where the fun begins) We tried to back out and soon realized we were stuck! Devon got out of the car and start pushing while I drove... we got no where. So Devon got our dust pan and I had a cake pan and we started digging ourselves out. We got a little ways up the hill but couldn't any farther than that. My mom called to check on us and then soon after that we were on the phone to my Grandpa Allen calling for help. So Grandpa got on his tractor and came and plowed the road for us and pulled us out. While Grandpa was on his way down to get us; our neighbor Eric Nelson happened to see him go by on the tractor so he called Grandma and asked her what was going on so he went and got his Dads tractor and soon follow and started clearing the way. Needless to say I felt dumb that we had to call for help but at least we got out and even better the road is now clear lol. I miss my Brynn so much right now.