My love/hate relationship with November

Dear Brynn,

I know November is a time to remember how thankful you are for the things in your life but for me I have a love hate relationship with November. I do have so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for but at the same time I have a really hard time expressing those things. I have a really hard time because November 16 I found out that you went home to your Heavenly father, November 18th I gave birth to a beautiful little girl that I never got to hear cry. November 21 we laid your little body to rest. I love you so much and wouldn't change anything in having you but November is not the month that I want to be reminded of the things that I am grateful for when my heart hurts so much. My life has been filled with a constant hurt that never seems to go away. I have my days that it doesn't hurt as much but the fact is, it's still there. Your little sister brings me so much joy and I love her so much as well, but part of me can't help but think about how I wish I could see you two playing together. I love you Brynn. I can't wait to see you again someday.

Love Mommy

Patches the bear

Dear Brynn,

Patches finally made it to our home! He had a long trip to finally make it to us. I loved having Patches in our home for a while. We took him with us up to your special spot and while he stayed with us he sat on your shelf at home. It was so wonderful to have such a special little bear in our home to help heal our hearts. One night I was looking at Patches travel log and cried as I started to see how many families are out there hurting over the loss of a little one as well. After our visit ended I was really sad to send Patches on his way, but he needed to go to the next family to help heal their hearts as well. Well Brynn I love you!

Love

Mommy

Paizlee's first visit to you!

Hey Sweet Little Brynn!

I love you so much! We finally were able to bring Paizlee up to see you, but we couldn't stay long because of the weather. It was cold and windy that day so we brought you your things took a quick picture then went home. But things are starting to warm up. I am so glad, the valley is starting to get green and beautiful. Paizlee is growing up so fast, she is so sweet. Whenever I ask her a question about you she always gets the biggest smile on her face. I know she remembers you.

Here we are on mothers day. We were able to bless Paizlee that day. It really was a bitter sweet day. Sweet that we blessed her and bitter because I still miss you so much. Last mothers day was so hard for me and this year having Paizlee helped so much. I feel really bad about this picture though. I left your blanket at home. So We are missing you in the picture. I wish I hadn't forgot it. But this fall we are getting family pictures done and we will have it then.

Well my sweet Brynn, I love you so much and can't wait for the day when I get to see you again! Love you!!!!!

Love,

Mommy

Your little sister Paizlee Claire.

Hey my sweet little Brynn!

Your little sister Paizlee is here! I'm sorry its taken me so long to write to you. Life has been super crazy trying to get things figured out as a new mom. Paizlee Claire made her entrance into this world on March 24, 2011 at 5:03 pm 19 inchs long, 6 lbs 2 oz, and with a head full of hair just like you. She has been such a sweet baby. She also had a lot of similarities to you. You girls have the same noise, lips, hands and feet, hair color, and head shape. I love you sweet one and miss you so much! I cant wait for the snow to melt so that i can come see you!

love

mommy

Missing you

Hey My sweet little baby girl.

I am so so sorry its been so long since I wrote you. I haven't been up to doing much lately. Its been way to long though. So here is the update since the last time I wrote you. January came and gone. Your dad and I was able to attend the temple for my birthday and it was so good to be there. I know you were there. February was a very short month and really there wasn't much going on. And now here we are into March. Your dad is in Chicago right now visiting his side of his family and will be home tomorrow. I really miss him right now and can't wait for him to get home. I wasn't able to go with him because of how far along I am right now with your little sister. So I am staying with your Grandma Debbie and Grandpa Bob. This weekend we went to Pocatello to go shopping for Paizlee and so Grandma could get her hair done. I couldn't believe how many emotions came flooding back from just being in Pocatello. I missed you like crazy and I really wish I could have had a moment to my self to cry a bit. We are getting so close to having Paizlee. I am 35 almost 36 weeks along. We're going NST 2 times a week and an ultra sound every other visit. So far everything is looking good. Our Dr is going to induce us around the 38 week mark. Well my sweet little one. That is all that is new with us. I hope your having fun in Heaven with everyone. I love you sweet girl!

Love

Mommy

Everything feels off

Hey there sweet little one,



Are you ready for Christmas? I know I am ready for it to be over. This is our second Christmas with out you and everything feels off. I can't describe what it is, other than I feel sad and can't wait for January to come. Maybe with a new year we'll have new hope and something to look forward to. Tonight is our ward Christmas party and I am singing in the program. The song is call "The Inn keeper" I really hope I can make it through the song. The last time I practiced it I cried. That is the last thing I need to do tonight. In fact crying is something that I am sick of doing. Everything seems to make me cry. I can't make it through Silent Night without tears rolling down my face. The part where it goes 'Holy Infant so tender and mild, Sleep in Heavenly Peace, Sleep in Heavenly Peace' just reminds me of you. Your a Holy and perfect spirit and I know your sleeping in Heavenly Peace. Maybe if I was a little more giving, a little more will to put myself out there and see what I could do for others, that it might help with feeling the way I feel right now.

This year I was able to participate in the Now I lay me Down to Sleep ornament exchange. I was paired up with a lady from New Jersey who just lost her son in October. She sent me the most beautiful angel that reminded me so much of you. I've put it with the rest of your things and will be keeping it out year round. And of course stupid me left the picture that I took of it at home and don't remember the name of the Angel or the company who makes them. So I'll have to post pictures of it later.

Well my sweet Angel. I love you and miss you so much everyday and wish more than ever that you were here with us for Christmas. If I could have my Christmas wish, it would be that you were here but I know that's not possible. Love you!

Love,

Mommy

1st Heavenly Birthday

Hello my sweet little Brynn,

I know this post is late, I've had a really hard time bringing myself to write it. On your birthday it snowed. I knew it would because I know you like the snow. So we were not able to go to the cemetery to do a balloon release or anything else that day. So everyone just came over to our home and had cake and ice cream. Your dad and I were able to get up to the cemetery to visit you on Saturday, but were not able to stay long. I really missed you on your birthday. I did get a wonderful visit from a friend. Her name is Laura and we've become good friends with her and her husband. They are in our ward and I really enjoy being friends with them. Anyway on your birthday she brought me some flowers. Of course I cried. Her timing couldn't have been better. She didn't even know that it was your birthday.

I miss you sweet little one, I'm sorry this is short. My heart has not been in the right place for a while.

Love you!

Mommy

The Count Down

Well my sweet little one this is it. Your birthday week and I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I would wake up and realize that this last year of a nightmare was just all a bad dream. It really hit me hard on Saturday that we are on the count down to when I felt you last move, to going to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning to find out that you had passed away, to the 36 hours of labor that progressed very slowly, to your birth at 7:35 P.m. on November 18, 2009, to have the last little hope that I had thinking that maybe a miracle would happen that I would hear you cry, like I had heard the other babies on the floor crying be totally crushed when the room remained silent. I know it would have had to been one heck of a miracle but I still hoped. I just didn't want to believe you were really gone. I didn't want to believe that instead of planning your baby blessing that I was now going to have to plan your funeral. The last 3 days have been very emotional for me. I cry a lot. I cry at thinking its been a year a whole freaking year since I last saw your little body, a year since I felt you move last. I cry at knowing I never got to hear your cry as a new born. I cry at knowing I will never see you do the normal baby things, like roll over, crawl, start pulling yourself up on chairs, walk, your first tooth. I cry at a lots of things. I got your shelf and pictures and hand and foot casts put up on Sunday and all I could do was cry doing that, it was a good thing your dad was here to help. I hate the fact that I feel like that the only way that I can talk about you and remember you is that I have to come to a blog and blog to you. I should be able to talk about you all I want to other people and cry if I need to. I wish more people would ask me about you but yet in every ones eyes your gone so why talk about it. Well the reason is because just like every proud parent I like to talk about my baby girl as well. Regardless of where you are. I hate the fact that I feel like people push me off when I do want to talk to you. I'm still not sure what we're going to do for your birthday. Maybe it will just be me and your dad doing something. Everyone seems to be crapping out on me on if they will be there or not. So maybe what we'll do is go and get a really nice dinner and have cake and ice cream or something. I have a cake ordered for you. I'll post pics of it on Thursday. Well my sweet baby girl I love you and miss you so much!

Love Mommy

This time last year.

Hey my little sweet one.

I cannot believe how fast time is going. I know I have said that in other posts. In fact I think I have said it in almost every one but it's the truth. I can't believe it. In so many ways I wish I could make it stop. I was thinking about Halloween this year and thinking about it last year and where we were last year. Time was getting closer to when you would be here, my belly was growing and I was starting look more pregnant than just gaining weight. Only 2 weeks before this picture is when I started wearing maternity clothes.

Now here we are a year later and I'm wishing more than ever that you were here. I was thinking about what I would dress you up as and I'm thinking it would have had to been one of the Disney princesses. It would have been so much fun to take you to the Halloween parties that are going to be happening. Now here we are without you and we're going to be staying home tonight. Maybe watch a movie then off to bed. I love you sweet one. I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms again.

Love, Mommy

Ultrasound Pictures of your little sister.

Hey Brynn!

Your going to have a little sister!!! I am so excited about it. Although it has brought a hole new set of worries for me and your Dad. We so don't want to go through what we've been through again, but I am trying my hardest not to think about those things. I wanted to show you some of the ultrasound pictures we got this weekend. Paizlee was sure kicking up a storm when we were trying to find out what she was and she was very very shy. She wasn't shy though in showing off her legs. Almost every other picture that we have of her is her showing her legs. We have a few of her arms and one of her feet and a few of her side. It was fun to just watch her moving and kicking, it totally makes sense to me now why I have been so sore, its because of her!! I love you Brynn and miss you so much everyday, your birthday is coming fast and I am not ready for it at all. I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday the way a birthday should be celebrated. Love you my sweet baby girl

Love Mommy

Hearing babies heart beat.

Hey my sweet little Brynn,

Well our heart doppler came in the mail today. I can't wait to get home and try it out! The best part is that your dad will be able to hear it whenever he wants with me. I really wish we would have done this with you, but at that time I never thought that it was really possible to lose you. I knew that it could happen I just never thought it would happen to us. I guess that what we get for thinking something would never happen. Even though I would never go back and change anything that happened with you, I do wish at times that I was one of those pregnant woman who lived in the world believing that nothing could happen to my baby, that my baby will be perfect and when my baby gets older they will be the best ever. I wish I could get to the point that I felt comfortable enough to go and buy things for this baby. And maybe after some time I will. Or maybe I'll just wait until after the baby is here. Although your Grandma, Aunt and Dad all think they're going to make me buy things. I really do want to wait. Anyway when I get home I am going to record the babies heartbeat and I'll post it for you to hear.

I love you Brynn and miss you so much!

Love mommy

Break down in the Drs office

Hey there sweet little one,

So I have a lot to share with you! First, we had our first Drs appointment yesterday and I think I found the Dr we are going to go to for this pregnancy. He is a really nice guy and super smart. Everyone that I have talked to so far has said amazing things about him. He took the time to answer all of my questions and made me feel really good about everything. Before I met with him though I was getting my blood pressure taken and questions asked by his nurse. She started asking me if this was my first pregnancy. I knew they would ask me questions but what I wasn't prepared for was how I ended up reacting. I had a complete break down crying my eyes out as I told what had happened to you and then I realized how scared I truly am about this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am happy about it but at the same time super worried. My Dr did ask me more questions in what happened and I answered them the best that I could. He told me that what happened with you tends to be a fluke thing, I have been told that before but in my mind I keep asking what will keep it from happening again? I know I just need to have faith that everything will be fine with this little one. He did tell me something new about it, he said generally when the cord starts doing what it did with you it starts happening about 2 weeks before something happens. So he is going to start doing NST starting at 30 weeks. That makes me feel really good.
The second thing is that your Dad and I are looking into buying a home right now. We've looked at several homes and we have one that we really like. We're just praying know that we can get approved for a loan.

Well sweet little Brynn I love you so much! and miss you more and more everyday.

Love mommy

Trying to choose a Dr

Hey my sweet little one,

Happy 9 month Heavenly Birthday Brynn! Wow I can not believe that it's been 9 months today. Oh how time has gone by so fast. It makes my heart hurt knowing its been that long.

So for the past week I have been trying to decide on what Dr I wanted to go to for your little brother or sister. I am really torn. There is 2 Drs that are new to the valley and I have heard really good things about both of them. I have also been trying to rack my brain for questions to ask them and so far I have 2. I guess the biggest thing is I want to go in and tell them everything that happened to you and see what they say, see what they will do different to help this one.



I have been getting really nervous the last couple days. Part of it is wanting everything to go good this time and the other part is knowing that November is coming and its coming fast. I really don't want a year to come. When I start thinking about it my heart starts beating fast and I feel like I can't breath. I miss you so much.

I love you Brynn. Miss you so much today and everyday.

Love Mommy

Big Sister

Hey Sweet little one!

Guess what your going to be a big sister!! We found out on July 29th. We're not very far along but still your Dad and I are very excited about it. That puts your baby brother or sister due April 6, 2011 which seems like forever away! Your Dad has a feeling that its a boy but I am really hoping that we get another girl. Either way we will be excited for whatever we get. I told your cousin Jaxson that we were going to have another baby and he asked me if it was a real baby or a toy baby. Then he asked me if it was a boy or girl. Then later that night he told his mom that he wants me to have 2 babies, a boy one and a girl then that way Devon can have the boy and I can have the girl. I couldn't stop laughing when I was told that. He really cracks me up. So today is Grandma Debbies birthday and Uncle Mitch is now in New Mexico. So there has been a lot going on around here. But we're loving it and missing you so much everyday. Love you my sweet little one. Love

Mommy

Family Photo

Hey Brynn,





So here is the family pic that we took before Uncle Mitchy went to the MTC. Everyone on was there. Well almost everyone one was there. I was hurting inside so bad with the fact that you were not there. All I got to hold was your blanket to represent you. Your dad and I have been talking and I think we are going to find a white teddy bear to represent you. I am going to dress it in the little Levi dress that I had purchased for you and make a headband with a pink flower on it to go on top of the head. After the pictures were all done being taken I finally made my way down stairs and started crying uncontrollably. I never thought that it would hurt so much taking a stupid picture but it did. Especially when its a family picture. I miss you so much. I hope your having a good time up there. I love you my sweet baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

Eight Months Ago...

Eight months ago I held you in my arms, kissed your sweet little noise, forehead, hand and cheek. Eight months ago my life changed in so many ways. Ways that I never thought possible, some are good and some are bad. Some of the good are now having a more charitable heart towards others who may have something really bad going on in their life. In stead of thinking oh that's too bad I hope they are ok, I now feel more deeply for these people, pray more earnestly for the blessings they need and try to help out in anyway that I can. I know have a stronger testimony that families can be together for EVER. Life just doesn't stop at death, it continues. One of the bad things, I cry a lot more. Crying is almost an everyday occurrence. Some of my joy in life is gone and month after month of finding out that once again that you will not be a big sister is eating at the joy that I do have. I was so excited that time was winding down for you to be able to come home with us. I was so excited that I was getting my daughter it's the one thing that I wanted the most; ever since I was a little girl pretending to play house with my dolls. I wanted to be a mom. To find the joy and happiness that I see in so many families who have small children. I love you so much Brynn. I miss you so much. Happy 8 month Heavenly Birthday my sweet little angel.

Today is a good day to eat chocolate.

Hello My Sweet little one,

So yesterday your Uncle Mitch was set apart as a full time missionary and has left today with Grandma and Grandpa to do a few last minute things and then will be entering the MTC on July 14th. I am really excited for him and know he will do wonderfully! I am going to miss him. 2 years is in a way a long time but then at the same time it really isn't. I am so grateful to be apart of the church and knowing that I will be with you for eternity as long as I am doing my part brings me a lot of comfort. :) It really brings me comfort knowing that you were special enough that all you needed was a body to complete your earthly journey. Even though yesterday was a special day for Mitch, I really missed you a lot. We did our first family photos with everyone being home before Mitch left and it took all I had not to cry during pictures. It was just one of the many first. I did get your blanket that I had made for you and used it for the representation for you but my heart still broke. It was really hard to watch the rest of the nieces and nephews go and sit on Mitch's lap and get pictures with him knowing that I don't get to do that with you, it broke my heart when everyone started talking about how much each of the children will have changed by the time he gets home from his mission. When I did finally get the chance I slipped down stairs and got into the room and broke down crying. I stayed in there for a while and then left and went to your special spot. I sat in the grass for a long time crying and holding your blanket, its been a few months since I had a really big break down and even still today its taking everything I have to keep from crying.
We also had a family reunion this weekend with Grandma's side of the family and it was fun and hard at the same time. Both of my cousins who are my age both have new babies. Kylie had her baby the same month that you were born and Taylor had his son a few months ago. I stayed away as much as possible from them and tried not to look at the babies. Once again it made me sad to watch my family especially Grandma and your Aunt Jessy sit and get so excited to see the other babies. Brynn you should be here being the one who everyone gets excited to see. I really miss you. I love you so much, I hope your having a wonderful time up in Heaven. Love you always and forever my special little angel.

Love,
Mommy

July 10, 2010

So I have a family reunion come up on July 10. No big deal right... who doesn't like to get together with extended family and see how each other is doing. Then it hit me last night. My cousin had a baby girl in November. If I remember correctly it was November 10 when she had her. So now when I think about it, it almost makes me physically sick. I can't do this. I know if I go and she is there I am going to fall into pieces and no one will understand. I love my cousin and want nothing but the best for her. But to be honest I don't know how I am going to do this with a smile on my face and act like its no big deal. My other cousin had a baby boy in March. My heart is hurting right now knowing that I am going to be surround by babies. I can't do this.

Just Once

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms,
Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.
I wish I could have changed a diaper,
Chosen an outfit for the day,
Given you a bath
and soothed your skin with lotion.
Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me,
or spend time alone with you, just the two of us.
Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall,
Just once I wish I could have heard the words
"What a beautiful, healthy baby girl!"
Just once....

~~Author Unknown

7 Months

To my Dear sweet little Brynn,

Today marks your 7 month heavenly birthday. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. I miss you so much and wish that you were here with me more than anything. In a way I wish I could make time slow down a bit. November is coming way to fast and I don't feel like I am ready for that one year mark. I know your in a better place than here on this earth and are probably have a wonderful time with your great-grandparents who are up there with you. Give Grandma and Grandpa Allred a big hug for me and tell them I love them and can't wait to see them as well. I hope Grandma has told you the story of Hansel and Gretel, it was one of my favorites when I was a child.

Your Dad and I went to visit you last night. Its been the first night in a while that we've been up there because of all of rain that we have been getting. It was so peaceful and I know that you are happy where you are. Monday marks your Dad and I 2 year anniversary. I can't believe its been 2 years already. Its also fathers day weekend I know your Dad is having a really hard time with it and it break my heart knowing how badly he wants a child of his own. I wish there was something I could do for him. That is partly why we're going camping this weekend. Its so we can get away and just spend the time together. Brynn I love you so much and miss you everyday.

Love,
Mommy