My love/hate relationship with November

Dear Brynn,

I know November is a time to remember how thankful you are for the things in your life but for me I have a love hate relationship with November. I do have so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for but at the same time I have a really hard time expressing those things. I have a really hard time because November 16 I found out that you went home to your Heavenly father, November 18th I gave birth to a beautiful little girl that I never got to hear cry. November 21 we laid your little body to rest. I love you so much and wouldn't change anything in having you but November is not the month that I want to be reminded of the things that I am grateful for when my heart hurts so much. My life has been filled with a constant hurt that never seems to go away. I have my days that it doesn't hurt as much but the fact is, it's still there. Your little sister brings me so much joy and I love her so much as well, but part of me can't help but think about how I wish I could see you two playing together. I love you Brynn. I can't wait to see you again someday.

Love Mommy

Patches the bear

Dear Brynn,

Patches finally made it to our home! He had a long trip to finally make it to us. I loved having Patches in our home for a while. We took him with us up to your special spot and while he stayed with us he sat on your shelf at home. It was so wonderful to have such a special little bear in our home to help heal our hearts. One night I was looking at Patches travel log and cried as I started to see how many families are out there hurting over the loss of a little one as well. After our visit ended I was really sad to send Patches on his way, but he needed to go to the next family to help heal their hearts as well. Well Brynn I love you!

Love

Mommy

Paizlee's first visit to you!

Hey Sweet Little Brynn!

I love you so much! We finally were able to bring Paizlee up to see you, but we couldn't stay long because of the weather. It was cold and windy that day so we brought you your things took a quick picture then went home. But things are starting to warm up. I am so glad, the valley is starting to get green and beautiful. Paizlee is growing up so fast, she is so sweet. Whenever I ask her a question about you she always gets the biggest smile on her face. I know she remembers you.

Here we are on mothers day. We were able to bless Paizlee that day. It really was a bitter sweet day. Sweet that we blessed her and bitter because I still miss you so much. Last mothers day was so hard for me and this year having Paizlee helped so much. I feel really bad about this picture though. I left your blanket at home. So We are missing you in the picture. I wish I hadn't forgot it. But this fall we are getting family pictures done and we will have it then.

Well my sweet Brynn, I love you so much and can't wait for the day when I get to see you again! Love you!!!!!

Love,

Mommy

Your little sister Paizlee Claire.

Hey my sweet little Brynn!

Your little sister Paizlee is here! I'm sorry its taken me so long to write to you. Life has been super crazy trying to get things figured out as a new mom. Paizlee Claire made her entrance into this world on March 24, 2011 at 5:03 pm 19 inchs long, 6 lbs 2 oz, and with a head full of hair just like you. She has been such a sweet baby. She also had a lot of similarities to you. You girls have the same noise, lips, hands and feet, hair color, and head shape. I love you sweet one and miss you so much! I cant wait for the snow to melt so that i can come see you!

love

mommy

Missing you

Hey My sweet little baby girl.

I am so so sorry its been so long since I wrote you. I haven't been up to doing much lately. Its been way to long though. So here is the update since the last time I wrote you. January came and gone. Your dad and I was able to attend the temple for my birthday and it was so good to be there. I know you were there. February was a very short month and really there wasn't much going on. And now here we are into March. Your dad is in Chicago right now visiting his side of his family and will be home tomorrow. I really miss him right now and can't wait for him to get home. I wasn't able to go with him because of how far along I am right now with your little sister. So I am staying with your Grandma Debbie and Grandpa Bob. This weekend we went to Pocatello to go shopping for Paizlee and so Grandma could get her hair done. I couldn't believe how many emotions came flooding back from just being in Pocatello. I missed you like crazy and I really wish I could have had a moment to my self to cry a bit. We are getting so close to having Paizlee. I am 35 almost 36 weeks along. We're going NST 2 times a week and an ultra sound every other visit. So far everything is looking good. Our Dr is going to induce us around the 38 week mark. Well my sweet little one. That is all that is new with us. I hope your having fun in Heaven with everyone. I love you sweet girl!

Love

Mommy

Everything feels off

Hey there sweet little one,



Are you ready for Christmas? I know I am ready for it to be over. This is our second Christmas with out you and everything feels off. I can't describe what it is, other than I feel sad and can't wait for January to come. Maybe with a new year we'll have new hope and something to look forward to. Tonight is our ward Christmas party and I am singing in the program. The song is call "The Inn keeper" I really hope I can make it through the song. The last time I practiced it I cried. That is the last thing I need to do tonight. In fact crying is something that I am sick of doing. Everything seems to make me cry. I can't make it through Silent Night without tears rolling down my face. The part where it goes 'Holy Infant so tender and mild, Sleep in Heavenly Peace, Sleep in Heavenly Peace' just reminds me of you. Your a Holy and perfect spirit and I know your sleeping in Heavenly Peace. Maybe if I was a little more giving, a little more will to put myself out there and see what I could do for others, that it might help with feeling the way I feel right now.

This year I was able to participate in the Now I lay me Down to Sleep ornament exchange. I was paired up with a lady from New Jersey who just lost her son in October. She sent me the most beautiful angel that reminded me so much of you. I've put it with the rest of your things and will be keeping it out year round. And of course stupid me left the picture that I took of it at home and don't remember the name of the Angel or the company who makes them. So I'll have to post pictures of it later.

Well my sweet Angel. I love you and miss you so much everyday and wish more than ever that you were here with us for Christmas. If I could have my Christmas wish, it would be that you were here but I know that's not possible. Love you!

Love,

Mommy

1st Heavenly Birthday

Hello my sweet little Brynn,

I know this post is late, I've had a really hard time bringing myself to write it. On your birthday it snowed. I knew it would because I know you like the snow. So we were not able to go to the cemetery to do a balloon release or anything else that day. So everyone just came over to our home and had cake and ice cream. Your dad and I were able to get up to the cemetery to visit you on Saturday, but were not able to stay long. I really missed you on your birthday. I did get a wonderful visit from a friend. Her name is Laura and we've become good friends with her and her husband. They are in our ward and I really enjoy being friends with them. Anyway on your birthday she brought me some flowers. Of course I cried. Her timing couldn't have been better. She didn't even know that it was your birthday.

I miss you sweet little one, I'm sorry this is short. My heart has not been in the right place for a while.

Love you!

Mommy